Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except
Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The
rt.
hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now
been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint
a
minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed
with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will
let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn’t that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as
the good guys.
5. You should re-learn your original national anthem, "God
Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We
would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football".
There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there
is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed
to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be
best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of
you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
is
similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens
side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons
if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not
aware
that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves
lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde"
is French
for "****".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November
8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
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To
the citizens of the United States of America, In the light
of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today.